Spelling

(Warning: Totally for D&D geeks)

Spells from the Spellbook of a Wizard 

with Really Bad Penmanship

Animate lead: This spell creates a lead servant. Choose a pile of lead within range. Your spell imbues the target with a foul mimicry of life

Chin Lightning: You create a bolt of lightning that arcs toward the lower jaw of a target of your choice that you can see within range, doing 1d2 damage.

Chili touch: You create a ghostly, skeletal bowl of chili in the space of a creature within range. Make a ranged spell attack against the creature to spill the chili on it. On a hit, the target takes 1d2 hot oil damage, and it can’t regain hit points until the start of your next turn. Until then, the chili clings to the target.

Crone of cold: A blast of cold air erupts from your hands, creating an old woman who complains bitterly of being too cold and the winters never used to be this bad. Each creature within hearing must make a saving throw against eyerolling or take 1d2 CHA damage.

Bacon of hope: This spell bestows hope and vitality with regard to cooking bacon. Choose any number of creatures within range. For the duration, each target has advantage on skill checks made to cook and eat bacon.

Turning hands: As you hold your hands with thumbs touching and fingers spread, a thin aura shoots forth from your outstretched fingertips. Each creature in a 15-foot cone must make a Dexterity saving throw, turning ninety degrees clockwise on a failed save.

Barkvision: You touch a willing creature to grant it the ability to see inside trees.

Dimension floor: You teleport yourself from your current location to any other spot within range, but only below you.

Divine flavor: Your prayer empowers you with divine radiance. Until the spell ends, everything tastes much better.

Dominate feast: You attempt to beguile a dining room table that you can see within range. It must succeed on a Wisdom saving throw or be charmed by you for the duration. While the table is charmed, no one else can eat from it but you.

Weather fall: Choose up to five falling creatures within range. Each falling creature is struck by lightning, taking additional 1d6 damage.

Find steer: You summon a spirit that assumes the form of an unusually intelligent, strong, and loyal young neutered male beef cattle, creating a long-lasting bond with it.

Find craps: You sense the presence of any excrement, feces, or scat within range that is within line of sight.

Wire bolt: You hurl a mote of wire at a creature or object within range. Make a ranged spell attack against the target. On a hit, the target takes 1d2 paperclip damage.

Wire storm: A storm made up of tangles of computer cables, phone cords, and stereo speaker wires appears in a location you choose within range. The area of the storm consists of up to ten 10-foot cubes, which you can arrange as you wish. Each cube must have at least one face adjacent to the face of another cube. Each creature in the area must make a Dexterity saving throw to untangle a cube and move forward.

Flesh to store: You attempt to turn one creature that you can see within range into a small bodega, or a 7-11. If the target’s body is made of flesh, the creature must make a Constitution saving throw.

Fig cloud: You create a 20-foot-radius sphere of soft pear-shaped fruit with sweet dark flesh and many small seeds, centered on a point within range.

Soresight: You touch a willing creature and bestow a splitting headache, right behind the eyes, I don’t know, maybe it’s sinuses, but man it really hurts.

Sneezing sphere: A globe of ragweed energy streaks from your fingertips to a point of your choice within range, where it explodes in a 60-foot-radius sphere. Each creature within the area must make a Constitution saving throw. On a failed save, a creature sneezes 1d4 times.

Goonberry: Up to ten berries appear in your hand and are infused with magic for the duration. A creature can use its action to eat one berry. Eating a berry reduces INT 1 point.

Gross: A slick layer of disgusting, noxious, smelly material covers the ground in a 10-foot square centered on a point within range and turns it into unpleasant terrain for the duration.

Gust of rind: A line of strong wind 60 feet long and 10 feet wide blasts orange peels, lemon and lime zest, banana skins, and other fruit rinds in a direction you choose for the spell’s duration. Each creature that starts its turn in the line must succeed on a Strength saving throw or be really grossed out.

Tallow: You touch a point and infuse an area around it with holy waxy power. The area can have a radius up to 60 feet and is immediately covered in suet.

Farm: You unleash fecund topsoil on a creature that you can see within range. The target must make a Constitution saving throw. On a failed save, they are covered in a robust crop of caster’s choice.

Meal: Choose a creature that you can see within range. A surge of positive energy washes through the creature, causing it to feel as if it just finished a nice dinner.

Heroes’ yeast: You bring forth a great loaf of bread. The bread takes 1 hour to consume and disappears at the end of that time.

Bold monster: Choose a creature that you can see within range. The target must succeed on a Wisdom saving throw or have advantage on all attack rolls the duration.

Holey aura: Divine light washes out from you and coalesces in a soft radiance in a 30-foot radius around you. Creatures of your choice in that radius when you cast this spell notice small rips and tears in their garments that they hadn’t known were there.

Hunter’s nark: You choose a creature you can see within range and mystically mark it as your quarry. Until the spell ends, all its friends will snitch it off, tell you where it’s hiding, and otherwise drop a dime on it at any chance.

Nice storm: A hail of pleasant weather with moderate temperatures covers a 20-foot-radius, 40-foot-high cylinder centered on a point within range. Each creature in the cylinder rather enjoys it.

Inflict sounds: Make a melee spell attack against a creature you can reach. On a hit, the target hears noises from the apartment next door, AGAIN, and takes 1d2 sonic damage.

Knack: Choose an object that you can see within range. The object can be a musical instrument, household appliance, or child’s toy. For the duration, you know how to use it well.

Legend Bore: Name or describe a person, place, or object. The spell brings to your mind a brief summary of the significant lore about the thing you named. The lore might consist of current tales, forgotten stories, or even secret lore that has never been widely known. But each time you attempt to relay this information, the listeners fall asleep.

Slight: You touch one object that is no larger than 10 feet in any dimension. Until the spell ends, the object sheds really dim light in a 2-foot radius

Longslider: You touch a creature. The target’s speed increases by 10 feet until the spell ends, but only downhill.

Page hand: A spectral, floating hand appears at a point you choose within range. The hand lasts for the duration or until you dismiss it as an action. The hand vanishes if it is ever more than 30 feet away from you or if you cast this spell again. You can use your action to control the hand, but only to open and leaf through books.

Bending: This spell manipulates and twists a single break or tear in an object you touch, such as a broken chain link, two halves of a broken key, a torn cloak, or a leaking wineskin. It probably just makes it worse and you should have left it alone.

Massage: You point your finger toward a creature within range. The target (and only the target) feels a nice back rub.

More earth: Choose an area of terrain no larger than 40 feet on a side within range. It becomes covered in dirt.

Pass without face: A veil of shadows and silence radiates from you, masking you and your companions from detection. Also, you have no eyes, ear, nose, or mouth, so getting around is a bit difficult. But no one can detect you, so there’s that.

Produce flume: A bubbling stream of water appears in your hand. The stream remains there for the duration and harms neither you nor your equipment. You can also attack with the stream, although doing so ends the spell. When you cast this spell, or as an action on a later turn, you can hurl the stream at a creature within 30 feet of you. Make a ranged spell attack. On a hit, the target has wet clothes and feel uncomfortable for the rest of the day.

Remove purse: At your touch, all wealth possessed by one creature or object disappears.

Reverse gravy: This spell reverses gravy in a 50-foot-radius, 100-foot high cylinder centered on a point within range. All gravy in the area is deconstructed into its original ingredients, which appear in separate measuring cups arranged by volume.

Starching ray: You create three rays of polysaccharide and hurl them at targets within range. You can hurl them at one target or several. Make a ranged spell attack for each ray. On a hit a target’s clothes are uncomfortably stiff for 1d4 rounds.

Spending: You send a short message of twenty-five words or less to a creature with which you are familiar. The creature hears the message in its mind, recognizes you as the sender if it knows you, and immediately makes what ever purchase you suggest.

Steep: This spell sends creatures into a magical teacup. Roll 5d8; the total is how many hit points of creatures this spell can affect. Creatures within 20 feet of a point you choose within range are affected in ascending order of their current hit points (ignoring unconscious creatures). Starting with the creature that has the lowest current hit points, each creature affected by this spell is trapped in the magic teacup until the spell ends, or it climbs out.

Spider limb: Until the spell ends, one willing creature you touch gains four additional legs.

Stone shin: This spell turns the shins of a willing creature you touch as hard as stone. Until the spell ends, the target has resistance to nonmagical bludgeoning, piercing, and slashing damage below the knees.

Wall of rice: You create a wall of rice on a solid surface within range. You can form it into a hemispherical dome or a sphere with a radius of up to 10 feet, or something like a sushi roll. In any form, the wall is 1 foot thick and lasts for the duration, but eventually gets hard and dry.

Wall of horns: You create a wall of trumpets, cornets, tubas, and euphoniums.

Barding Bond: This spell wards a willing creature you touch and creates mystic armor for them, which unfortunately is made for an animal and doesn’t quite fit right, granting +1 to AC but disadvantage on all attack rolls.

Water talk: This spell grants the ability to operate a ventriloquist’s dummy and throw your voice while drinking a glass of water.

Wed: You conjure a mass of thick, floating confetti at a point of your choice within range. The confetti fills a 20-foot cube from that point for the duration. Each creature that starts its turn in the cube is legally married to every other creature in the cube.

Zone of Ruth: You create a magical zone in a 15-foot-radius sphere centered on a point of your choice within range. Until the spell ends, a creature that enters the spell’s area for the first time on a turn or starts its turn there must make a Charisma saving throw or be named Ruth for 1d4 rounds.

Dish: Dish is the mightiest spell a mortal creature can cast. By simply speaking aloud, you can alter the very foundations of reality in accord with your desires, and get whatever meal you want delivered within 30 minutes, or there’s no charge.