Hi-yo, Pewter!

So, I am hearing terrible things about the new Lone Ranger movie, and to ensure that it displaces John Carter in everyone's mind as their first association with the phrase massive Disney bomb, I am going to talk about even though I haven't seen it.

I hear the plot involves railroads. Do you think it has a scene like this?

Nah, probably not. But I hear Johnny Depp plays Tonto. Do you think there's a scene like this?

Nah, probably not. He wouldn't talk like that. Maybe there's a scene like this:

Nah. That would mean Johnny Depp wasn't talking at all, and I can't imagine that. I hear that the Lone Ranger is portrayed in this movie as an amateurish greenhorn and that Tonto is the competent one. Maybe there's a scene like this:

Nah, probably not.

All images from The Lone Ranger #80, Dell Comics, February 1955

***

Seriously, I've got no issues with updating the style and sensibilities of the Lone Ranger as long as you keep to to his core qualities: total commitment, quiet competence, and constant courage. The details don't matter as much. And as for Tonto, as much as I liked the Jay Silverheels image consistent with the one shown here, I have always thought he should have a mask, too. Then both he and the Ranger could have alter egos and/or other identities, but when they went to work, the masks would come on. And if it were up to me, I'd do the research and give Tonto a backstory and tribal association that let him wear one of those horned buffalo headdresses that some Plains Indians wore. Because those are badass, and a scary, stealthy Tonto would carry the conceit that the Ranger and Tonto are like Superman and Batman - the West's Finest.

The Buffalo Dance by James Bama